by Pete Mitchell
“NNNNGGGGH!”
Bill grunted loudly as he rose from his favorite lounge chair to get another beer. He was 59, and his back problems were beginning to become a source of odd grunts or cracks while getting out of chairs, aside from the pain that came with spinal issues.
He stumbled from the room where he and his friends, Todd, Bob, and Dave, were watching the news and complaining about the world at large. As he opened the refrigerator, he suddenly felt a bit overwhelmed by the absurd amount of choices he was presented with.
His eyes scanned the cold, white, plastic shelves of his Kitchenaid™, which was flooded with rows and rows of cans and bottles (both metal and glass). He decided on a metal bottle of Bud Lite, as he perceived its sharp frothiness to be a healthy constituent (which is quite a silly prospect indeed, as he had no way to get any other healthy food or exercise).
By the time he got back to his massage chair, a special report was on the news. As he got a closer look at it, he saw what no human ever thought conceivable: a large, red blob of alien matter was crawling through the small countryside where his house was located.
“A giant red blob is on the loose, and is growing bigger every time it absorbs an object. Biologists say that it is an abnormally large slime mold, but a lab test shows that the sample that was collected from a barbed wire fence was not made of cells, organic matter, or anything else found on Earth,” blared the anchor. The display began to static.
Dave rolled up the thin curtain, which was clumsily slung over the window, and saw a red, blurry version of what could normally be seen as a vast field of tall grass.
The power abruptly went out, which was not a huge problem, considering the presence of a large generator. Bill ran into the boiler room to turn it on.
Finally, a jelly-like substance fell on Bob’s head, causing him to wail, “WE’RE INSIDE THE RED BLOB!!!”
The lights began to flicker on. As Bill scurried up the stairs, Todd yelped and flailed his left arm, which was being clutched by a 20-pound octopus. It turned into a snail and flew away, as Dave violently sneezed out a tomato. A three foot long bathtub began baking a large cake in the washing machine.
It is simply out of concern over the reader having a suspense-initiated heart attack that I am informing you now that the only ills suffered by these men are the shock of a simply terrifying revelation and a giant barnacle latching on to Todd’s right shoe. No further information will be disclosed on the revelation as of this segment of the story.
And yes, that is a direct reference to Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.
The furniture and other floor-dwelling objects suddenly were placed on the ceiling in a perfectly normal configuration, as the entire room was turned upside-down, with all objects remaining unaffected by gravity. All, that is, except our four friends, who found themselves standing on the new floor, which now had a cheap chandelier standing in the middle of the room, along with a few stray lights in small sockets in the bright green floor.
“This must be how a bat feels,” Dave muttered.
Beneath them, four trap doors opened up, spilling each man into a well-furnished vacuum cleaner. The vacuum shattered into hundreds of pieces, landing them on the screen of an immense iPad, each man landing on an application icon.
“FHUI GHEMN OJHK HPQ OWUR JMH KOED L LETHO RTHGU B SKPO LKEM THA GARD WRTH CH BER RY PI ZN CTHULHU NOLKUT T THCA B AR TH MAOUT GHT STH BEEFY!!!!” shouted a large mythical creature, who was sitting on a throne about two feet away from them. The surrounding environment flickered and turned into a lavishly built palace. The creature was immediately surrounded by kittens, who were dressed in Army uniforms. The creature began to make a huge show of trying to get up, and grew three blue noses, with which he began to walk towards the four men, who had found themselves inexplicably chained to the floor, and were unable to escape the strange organism approaching them.
“SHHHHHHPPPHHOHOOHOHOOHHHHHHOOOOOOOMMPH,” squished the creature, who began to loudly ooze uranium through his skin. A foot-long crustacean scampered across the marble floor and grasped Todd’s right sneaker, then contorted itself into a lump, completing its purpose as a barnacle.
The creature, in a convenient change of character, began speaking English, albeit in a completely incomprehensible fashion.
“YUO AR COHNFYOOSD. THIS ISSSS AN EVVVIDENNT FAKT! I SHALLLL ECKSPLEEN ALLLL T’INGS,” the odd beast screeched, “SUM UFFF HWICH MAYBE STARRTLINGG!”
“I AMM GOOBOOTOCLITSH, THE CRITHERIOUS LEEDUR UF TEH FJORGLDORGENS! WE ARRR AN ALIENN SSPEEECIEES FRUM THE PLANET CLUMPFLUFFUS, WHICH ES IN THE GALAXY OF UMBRELLKAKKLOOO!”
Bob and company were drenched in Goobootoclitsh’s pink spittle, which often occurs when one’s oral cavity consists of two blubbery flaps hanging over a tooth-covered hole, which is the source of two tusks to cause the flaps to have a miserable time covering up the hole.
All of a sudden, Goobootoclitsh began to liquify into a brown puddle, as did the throng of kittens, which became a large pink pool. These puddles then turned into an amoeba-like mass, and extended a long, brownish pseudopod through the wall, and promptly crawled off.
Ten million playing cards fell on the four remaining humans in the room.
The walls caved in.
All was silent.
As they dug their way out of the large pile of cards, they found themselves back in Bill’s home.
“This will certainly make it easier to play poker,” mumbled Todd.
THE END
No comments:
Post a Comment